


Face The Heat

by stephensmat



Category: Castle
Genre: Castle Did Something Stupid, Comedy, Gen, Now It's War, Prank Wars, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Running Commentary From Espo/Ryan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2018-12-31 23:04:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12143055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stephensmat/pseuds/stephensmat
Summary: Castle really should have learned his lesson about giving press interviews by now. They always end with him trying to hide from Beckett.(Pre-Relationship Episodes)





	1. Boom!

**Author's Note:**

> Migrating from Fanfic.net.
> 
> (Bear in mind that when i first wrote this, I didn't expect to write a second chapter, but it turned out to be one of my most popular fics, so it went to six chapters)

Castle crept into the 12th, hunched over, glancing over his shoulder every two seconds. He wondered if he was imagining the looks he was getting. Inwardly, he doubted it. They were giving him a wide berth, practically parting for him. He made it to the Coffee Machine...

Nothing. No lightning bolt, no safe dropping on his head... maybe he was safe.

Scared, he peeked around the corner, just the tiniest bit. No sign of her.

"Hey bro."

"AHH!" Castle nearly levitated nearly a foot in the air. He tried to spin around, and ended up falling to the floor.

Esposito didn't even blink as Castle scrambled to get back up. "Switch to Decaf."

"Is she here?" Castle asked quietly.

"Who?" Esposito said innocently.

"You know who!"

"There was a multiple slaying on 42nd street. Five people gunned down. CSU is trying to peel their remains off the inside of a taxi-cab with a sponge." Esposito said lightly.

Castle took in a breath. "Whew. Lucky." "Wait, if that's happening way over on 42nd street, why aren't you there with her?"

"Because they have news-stands on 42nd street." Ryan said simply, standing next to his partner with a paper in his hand.

Castle felt his stomach drop. The two were all about loyalty to Kate. "You haven't... told her?"

"Nope." Esposito said easily. "And we took the liberty of hiding all the newspapers around the 12th."

Castle was suddenly aware of the entire precinct looking at him out of the corner of their eyes. They all knew. There wasn't a newspaper in sight either. He let out a breath. "Thank you."

"Don't thank us Bro." Esposito glared furiously. It was his  _'my badge is in a drawer and the safety is off'_  face, and Castle wilted under it. "The only reason we didn't tell her was because we didn't want to be in range when she found out."

"I don't even know why you came in today." Ryan piped up. "Castle, what the hell were you thinking?"

"It was a joke! It was never going to happen! It was never meant to be published." Castle shrilled, nearly falsetto. "A damn freelancer from the New York Review of Books was doing an interview, and he went through the bin under my desk when I was…"

"Four years with the Department, you never heard of a Burn Bag?" Ryan was not amused.

Esposito was right with him, both of them glaring hard enough to set him on fire. "Not cool dude, not cool."

_**BAM!** _

The door the Precinct flew back on it's hinges hard enough to rattle the windows when it hit the wall; and every eye went to Castle. Gossip spread fast through the Cop Shop. They all knew what he'd done. A swift clopping sounded through the sudden silence, the familiar sound of someone marching on spike heels; and everyone knew that Detective Kate Beckett was on the warpath.

Castle swallowed, put on his best  _'Mom, I know you're mad, but I can explain'_  expression, and turned to face the storm.

"RICHARD ALEXANDER CASTLE!" Beckett bellowed.

"She's middle naming him." Ryan whispered to his partner.

"This is gonna be bad." Esposito agreed.

Castle met her halfway into the room. "Listen, before you-"

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU  **THINKING**?"

"Look, I've already made the call. I know the editor personally. The guy will be doing fog reports from a lonely lighthouse by the end of the week. The papers screw up all the time, there'll be a retraction, an-"

"THE  **PAPERS**!" Beckett shrieked, a pitch that nobody had ever heard her hit. "THE PRESS HAVE GOT HOLD OF THIS?"

Castle nearly fainted. "You didn't know that?" He sent a look across the Precinct, and about thirty cops swiftly pretended to be doing something else. He spun on Ryan and Esposito, who quickly held up their hands, staying well out of it. "Well if  _they_  didn't tell you, how'd you find out?"

"I told her."

Castle blinked as Beckett stepped aside, revealing Alexis right behind her, hands on her hips and about as mad as her father had ever seen her.

"Not good." Esposito whispered. "His women are tag-teaming him."

"He doesn't have a prayer." Ryan agreed with the experience of an Irish man with several sisters.

"Alexis, why would you tell her this?" Castle hissed.

"Because she has a gun." Alexis snapped.

"Two of them in fact." Becket snarled.

Castle was still struggling to figure out his daughter. "Why are you being so mean to daddy?"

"You named the kid after me!" Alexis screamed. Nobody had ever heard her scream before. "I know that your diseased imagination uses these books to live out your fantasy life but-"

"Hey!" Castle objected.

"Interrogation room! Now!" Beckett snapped, before raising her voice enough to be heard by those in the room. "And anyone decides to watch, there will be… retribution."

Castle swallowed. "Why can't we stay out here? Where we have some... um, witnesses?" He turned to the entire room, looking for support.

Beckett turned to them as well. "Are there any witnesses present?"

Thirty cops in the room, all of them looking away. Doomed, Castle slumped, and obediently went into the Interrogation Room.

"I'll be bad cop." Alexis told Beckett as they filed in.

"The hell you will. I'm the one with the guns, remember?"

Esposito sighed and took the paper out from under his chair, reading the article again.

* * *

**Pre-Heating the Bun in Richard Castle's Oven**

_Big things are coming in the world of noir literature, as famed Mystery writer Richard Castle prepares the fifth in his Nikki Heat series. Rumors suggest that the now movie-famous Detective Heat will be pregnant in the upcoming novel. As the book is in its early stages, there has been no speculation yet as to who may father the new character of young Alexis Heat, but those close to the Castle family have speculated that there may be more truth than fiction…_


	2. Afterboom

The 'interrogation' had gone for several minutes, though it felt like days. And then Beckett had paused for a break and Alexis had come in, smoothly taking the Detective's place. Beckett was loud and furious. Alexis was calm and quiet. Castle didn't have a clue which was worse. His daughter had never been so… cold. She never even raised her voice. Castle had actually needed to strain his ears to listen as she cut him apart.

He could hear whispering from the Observation Room mirror, and wondered how many cops were watching his daughter carve him up like a pro. He was half expecting his mother to come in and take over. All he could do was apologize over and over, and he really didn't know where he'd gone wrong.

And when Alexis had finally gotten her licks in, she claimed a prior engagement. She stalked out to meet her friends; and Beckett swept back in before the door had slammed shut behind her. Thus began round three.

By the time they were done with him, Castle was seriously considering never writing another word ever again.

Those in the 12th Precinct parted before him like a wave. None of them would so much as look in his direction. He was cast out, exiled. There was nobody more Loyal to The Team than Police officers. You smack one, they  _all_  smacked you right back. Castle did the math and ran for it.

"You know that you shot yourself in the foot there, right?" Esposito said to Beckett quietly a few minutes later. "I mean, it  _was_ an accident, and he walked out of here knowing he wasn't wanted."

"Javier Esposito, my brother." Kate said warmly, with an amazing smile blooming across her face. "Alexis and I haven't even  _started_  with him yet."

"Oh. So that's it. Making friends with Castle's kid huh?" Ryan said blandly.

Kate gave him a light glare and they both retreated while they still could.

* * *

The Thunderstorm that struck New York that evening was the strongest in two years. Castle loved thunderstorms. The weather outside was frightful, as if God was raging in the air above them.

Castle was glad to have the place to himself for the night. Alexis was the light of his life, but she was yet to develop the same literary value for the scenario that her father had deep in his bones. Every writer knew the value of a dark and stormy night.

The whodunits of Raymond Chandler and Philip Marlowe didn't have the same thrill since he started working on real homicides, but it was tradition. A leather chair and an evening-ware robe for period writing, a fifth of scotch and a fedora for the hard-nosed detective pulps, his Browncoat space cowboy costume for cult sci-fi; french bread and wine for foreign reading... You had to appreciate the mood that each book was straining to set.

_A dark and stormy night, an empty house, a snifter of brandy, a roaring fireplace, and a grisly murder._ Castle reflected to himself.  _This is the life._

And it was exactly what he needed after his two ladies had torn strips out of him in tandem. Not once had he had to face Alexis teaming up with any of his girls. Not even Meredith.  _Thank you kind and merciful Buddha that mother saw the funny, or I'd be dead right now._ Castle took it upon himself to bribe his mother for help. Martha had spoken with Alexis and they both agreed that a three day treatment at the Serenity Spa was the proper guilt offering. _  
_

He took a sip of his brandy, and opened the hardcover first edition to page one...

...when the doorbell rang

Castle cursed under his breath as he got up to answer it.

* * *

"Beckett?" Castle said in surprise, and thunder roared.

He was about to invite her in, when he got a look at her. She looked like a drowned rat, the water dripping off her body enough to leave her standing in a puddle. She looked up at him, eyes wide and scared, somehow two feet shorter than usual.

"What's wrong?" Castle asked in alarm.

Kate looked down at herself and almost seemed to laugh. "I'm... I'm cold." She said finally.

"Get in here!" Castle said quickly, and she followed him in. "Warm up. I'll be right back." He led her over to the fireplace, took her jacket, and went to get her a towel.

He came back and found her bunching her toes in the plush carpet. Her spike heels were gone, replaced with soaked sneakers, and she had set them by the fire, along with her socks.

Castle stared at her as he put the towel around her shoulders. She had never gone barefoot in his home before. It felt very... homey. Very domestic, and Castle suddenly realized that Beckett must have known the house would be empty.

"I… I wanted to apologize." Beckett whispered.

"Apologize?" Castle repeated. Thunder roared again. He could not remember one time that she had come here and thrown herself on his mercy.

"I was being so crazy. I was... hormonal."

"Kate, you know you never…" Castle stopped himself. "What?"

The detective scrubbed her face with her hands, her expression tortured. She started talking compulsively, almost to herself. "When you didn't remember, I didn't know what to do and then I saw the article and I thought that maybe you knew, at least subconsciously…"

"Waitwaitwait, slow down." Castle said carefully. "It sounded like you just said..."

"Yeah, I should start at the beginning." Beckett sighed, squeezing her hair out. "It... um. Oh help."

Castle was stunned. He'd never seen her this... scared. He glanced around for something he could do to help."Um... Brandy?"

"No. I really shouldn't."

"Coffee then?"

"No." Beckett said quickly, then corrected herself. "Um... decaf?"

Castle stared at her. In the years he had been bringing her a triple sized coffee cup, to say nothing of donating the espresso machine, she had never once had decaffeinated  _anything_. But, it looked like she needed a hot drink and Castle went to make some. She went with him, sitting at the counter while he got it ready.

"So." She said finally as the rain beat heavily against the windows, loud enough to be heard in the kitchen. "Do... do you remember about two months ago? There was that double homicide that we solved?"

"The one with the kidnapped kids?"

"That's the one. Remember how we went out and celebrated?"

"I remember the hangover." Castle admitted with a smile.

"Right." Beckett swallowed. "Well... I guess I'd had a little too much to drink that night myself. Um... Well, we were a little tipsy, and the bartender called us a cab... and actually, we were a  _lot_  tipsy."

Thunder roared.

Castle set the cup down with a solid thunk. He'd almost dropped it the last two inches to the counter as it started to dawn on him what she was saying.

Beckett's eyes were wide. A little scared, a lot embarrassed. "And... the next morning, I realized where I was, and you were asleep and... I just ran for it. I... When you clearly didn't remember, I had no idea what to do, so I didn't say anything, but..."

"Oh my god." Castle croaked.

"That would have been the end of it. Really. I mean, we've been slow-dancing around each other for years now, and you better believe I'd want you to _remember_ at least, so I just... didn't do anything about it, but... Well, like I said, we were both of us pretty loaded, so when... Castle, I'm... Rick..." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I'm pregnant."

Thunder and lightning bellowed in unison with a mighty crash.

"Oh...you're..." Castle's eyes bulged straight out his head to an almost cartoon degree.

"And then I heard about the reporter and what was in the article, and I started to freak out, because a part of me wondered if you'd picked up on something... and you know what being pregnant does to your emotional control, so..."

"Oh my god." Castle repeated, a little more shrill.

"I told my dad." Beckett said softly, big puppy eyes looking up at him. "He wants to talk to you."

Thunder roared.

"Quick, which arm goes numb when you're having a heart attack? Right or left?" Castle croaked, desperately seeking oxygen.

Beckett reached out and took his hand in both of hers. "Rick... Dad'll come around. I know he will. You're giving him his first grandchild, he can give you a break. So will Gates." She breathed softly. "We don't have to get married right away... not if you don't want to..."

Castle's mouth flopped open and closed, his eyes were wide, his breathing shallow... He actually gave the impression of a surprised fish. And then blinked. "Wait..." He croaked. "Wait a second."

Beckett looked up at him, cupping his face with one hand. "Yes Rick?" She said passionately.

Castle looked deeply into her eyes, and the corner of her lips twitched, just the tiniest bit.

The shock vanished instantly, leaving him hollow as there was nothing to replace it. He sagged against the counter, his legs going out from under him. "Oh, I'm being Punk'd, aren't I?"

Beckett burst into heartless cackles.

Castle tried to laugh. He really did, but it came out in a strangled sob, and Beckett pushed the cup back toward him. "Decaf. Bah."

"That was not funny."

"It was extremely funny."

"Remember this afternoon, when you just hated me? Wasn't that better?"

"Well, we wouldn't be us if we didn't have some fun with it."

"We?" Castle repeated. "What we? There was no 'we' here, there was you making me crazy."

"As it should be. Balance is restored to the universe." She said resolutely and stood to go. "See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah." He squeaked. Relief started to trickle in barely. If she could torment him about it, then it meant she wasn't mad any more. If she could let him back into the Precinct, it meant they were fine "You sure you don't want to stick around though? The weather-guy on Channel 4 basically said to start buying canned goods..."

"Oh yes, I'm really going to stick around all night and wait for you to seek revenge."

"Well I can't seek revenge at the Precinct any more. Gates won't have it." Castle shot back.

"What can I say? It's good to be me." Beckett collected her shoes. "I'm going home."

"Okay. Travel safe. I'm just going to sit here and puke." Castle said weakly. Then his eyes bulged out again. "Wait. You know that I wasn't freaking out because of-"

"I know." She called over her shoulder with a grin in her voice. "Good night Castle."

* * *

"Yeah, it went off without a hitch." Beckett cackled into her phone the next morning. "Did you get a good view?"

"The camera was placed perfectly. I swear, that look when he heard the words 'told my dad'? I'm making that my new screen-saver." Alexis responded. "You should have been a film producer."

"Record enough sting operations, you get to be pretty good at placing the cameras." Beckett explained modestly. "So, how long do we torment him?"

"I think that should be enough. Though, if you're interested in playing it out a little more, I've got a copy of the footage I could send you."

"So do I." Beckett considered it a moment. "Nah, NYPD observes the Mercy Rule."

They both laughed for a while.

Beat.

"Detective?" Alexis said finally. "You know that I wasn't outraged at the thought of... Well, of you being my mom? Right?"

That caught Kate unawares, and the Detective struggled to catch up as her heart stopped. "Right?"

"It sort of hit me a few hours after we were through with dad. I mean, you flipped out too, and I thought maybe I was out of line getting all outraged at the thought of...?"

"Why would you be out of line?"

"Right, why would I be?" Alexis agreed. "I was freaked because all my friends read the society pages, and whenever my dad's in them... And you, you've got your professional standing to worry about. I mean, if there  _was_  something more going on, or at least something more than what happens with  _all_  the other gorgeous women my dad runs into; then one of you would let me know, right?"

The delivery was flawless. Alexis couldn't have torpedoed a burgeoning romance between her and Castle any better if she'd planned it, and it didn't take a detective to see that the girl had done exactly that. "You  _do_  have a problem!"

"No, not really. I really don't. You're one of the good guys, and if you knew my mom better you'd like yourself a whole lot more in comparison too. It's just... look,. If you were a teenager about to move out of the house for four years of college, would you want your father dating a cop?"

Beckett swallowed. "It... can be dangerous." She conceded, one hand going absently to the scar over her heart.

"Oh jeez, I'm sorry detective, I didn't mean to bring up bad things." Alexis sounded horrified. "I really didn't."

"It's a fact of the job, it's what I do. Everyone here tiptoed around the topic for a long time, too. But we move on." Beckett said professionally.

"Then it's not a problem, right? The article?" Alexis asked.

Kate felt her stomach drop. "R-Right."

"Oh good. If it did strike a nerve or something, I can't imagine how the last few days would play out in your head." Alexis said sweetly.

"Right." Kate repeated.  _God, she's as bad as her father._

She looked out from the break room and saw a familiar figure stagger his way toward the espresso machine. "Speaking of, your father is here."

"Have fun."

* * *

Castle walked in, looking haggard. Esposito was the first one he came across. The man didn't even crack a grin. "Well. You look awful."

"Don't cross Beckett." Castle said seriously. "Ever. EV-ER."

"Good advice." Esposito agreed. "Dude, is that a gray hair?"

"I got about a hundred of them last night." Castle groaned. "Coffee please."

"How far did she take it?" He asked.

"She was one step shy of pulling out 'The Big Book of Baby Names'."

"Kevin if it's a boy, right?" Ryan appeared right behind them. "Javier if it's a girl."

"Ex- _cuse_  me?" Esposito turned on his partner.

"You guys are aware it was Beckett screwing with me, right?"

"Well yeah, but if you two are going to go have some imaginary children, you better name them right. You _are_ their father."

Beckett sauntered up behind them and gave Castle a tight smile. "How'd you sleep?"

"I didn't." Castle confessed. "You?"

"Don't ever make an enemy of your daughter." Beckett told Castle. "Ever. EV-ER."

Ryan and Esposito traded a knowing glance.

"For the record, I was never really fooled." Castle said to them. "The whole con was a bad play. I don't care how loaded I was, there's no way I would ever forget committing parenthood with Beckett."

"Damn straight you wouldn't." Beckett said primly. "But you  _were_  fooled."

"Was not."

"Was so."

"Was not."

"Judges?" Beckett asked of Ryan and Esposito.

"I say we go to the videotape for the instant replay." Ryan suggested.

Beat.

"Videotape?" Castle repeated in dawning horror.

"Currently in the surveillance lab, being remixed for the public." Esposito told him casually.

Castle let out a low groan which quickly escalated to a cry of pure horror and he took off running through the Precinct.

"Good to have things back to normal, isn't it?" Ryan commented.

"Oh yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read and Review!


	3. Comeback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read and Review!

Beckett let herself into the Brooklyn apartment where her father lived alone, and called ahead as she hung her jacket up. "Hey Dad!"

"In here, Katie." Her father called back. "Did you have a good day?"

Beckett juggled the bags of Chinese food and answered. "The best day you can have in Homicide. Slow and dull." Finally wrestling the take-out into submission, she slipped her heels off and followed her father's voice. "You get the movie?"

"Actually, I picked tonight's feature."

Beckett froze mid-step as her brain registered the new voice. A moment later she was running. She came around the corner into her father's kitchen and felt her heartrate spike.

"Katie, look who agreed to join us for dinner." Her father said jovially.

"How could I resist the kind invitation?" Castle said, dripping with sincerity. Both men were sitting on the couch with a beer each, looking for all the world like old chums.

"Castle, what are you doing here?" Beckett demanded.

"I came by to visit." Rick said. "After all, we've been having such a good time the last few years, but I barely know anything about your dad. After… inflicting my mother on you at regular intervals for three years…"

Her father chuckled. "We've been having such a great chat, I knew you wouldn't mind if I invited him to stick around. You really shouldn't have kept this one to yourself, Katie. Did you know that he knows Joe Torre?"

"Speaking of that," Castle put in. "Joey's having a little get-together, and I RSVP'd for two. Jim, I'd be thrilled to have you come along."

"I would  _love_  that!"

Beckett half-followed this and returned to the only point that mattered. "Having a 'great chat'?" She pressed. "About what, exactly?"

"You!" Both men smiled broadly. Kate felt her stomach drop down next to her gunbelt.

"Is it true you wet your pants the first time you climbed a ladder all the way to the top?" Castle asked her innocently; as though it was a silly rumor he didn't believe. "That's going in the next book."

Beckett's mouth became a very thin line, her shoulders froze and her eyes blazed, but she said nothing. She did however; choose which two of Castle's fingers she was going to break in the very near future.

"Now Rick, don't go embarrassing my little buttercup." Her father returned, suddenly the picture of proud parenthood. "By the way, what movie did you pick?"

"I got Forbidden Planet on Blu-Ray." Castle said. "I wanted to get something that I knew Katie-Bear would like. Here, let me take those bags. Another beer, Jim?"

Kate added another three fingers to the list and took the opportunity to lean in close to Castle's ear as he came over to get the bags. "You sure you want to get into an 'embarrassing nickname' fight with me, _Kitten_?" She hissed lethally.

Castle just gave her a Cheshire smile and took the food into the kitchen.

"I like him." Her father smiled broadly.

"Really? After 'Naked Heat' I figured you'd hate his guts." Beckett snarled quietly.

"Oh, we had a great laugh about that. Katie, you gotta have a sense of humour about these things."

Kate stared at him, suddenly worried. "Dad? Are you feeling okay?"

"Feeling great. Why?"

"Well… you're not acting like… Dad, you're supposed to be on  _my_  side. Or at least  _not_  on his." Kate hissed through grit teeth. "You're the dad. It's your duty."

"Now Kate, you go ambushing a man with parenthood unawares, you gotta expect a little solidarity." Her father said with a gleam in his eye. "You have any idea what would have happened if your mother had tried that?"

"That's what this is about?" Kate hissed. "I played a prank on him, and you're helping him get me back?"

"Kate, I saw the article."

Beckett's stomach left her belt and jumped up between her lungs. "You know that nothing… I mean, I would tell you if…"

"Kate, I'm the last person you'd tell. I never even  _met_  Josh; and I can count on one hand the number of your friends you've brought home to meet me since your mother died."

Kate felt her heart stop completely. It was the truth. She ducked her head, suddenly feeling about six years old. "Dad, I didn't… I mean…"

He waved her down next to him, and she sat on the couch. He put an arm around her. "Katie, every father of daughters is terrified of two things. That she'll meet the wrong guy, and worse, that she'll meet the right one. But you… the only people you hang around with are cops. Even your best friend is an ME. Then you get this guy, and you turn him into your partner? I worry about you.  _That's_  my duty. So yeah, I was glad to meet him face to face at last. When was the last time you had a prank war with someone? It's good for you."

She ducked her head a little as he tucked her hair behind her ear, the way he did when she was ten. Beckett was hyper-aware of Castle being less than a room away. "Well, you can put that thought out of your head with Castle. For one thing, he's already got a kid, for another, she doesn't like me, and for a third-"

"Whoawhoawhoa!" Castle interrupted, frozen at the door. "What do you mean Alexis doesn't like you?"

Beckett felt her heart start up again, triple time as Castle came in and handed Jim another beer. The writer sat down on the couch, at the other end, leaving Kate sandwiched between him and her father. She froze, trapped, and tried to get control of the room back.  _Don't lose it, Kate! He's playing with you! Win the game!_  "Well, during the whole 'Alexis Heat' mess…" Beckett explained slowly. "I sort of got the impression…"

Castle waved that off. "Naw, she's just protective. Alexis has been my acid-test when it comes to women since she was ten years old."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked with interest.

"Well, when you've got money and success, you tend to attract some women like a moth to a flame. But trust me,  _they_  burn  _you_. So they come over, and see a smiling ten year old in my apartment…"

Jim laughed.

"The ones that didn't have a sudden emergency to take care of, they made it to a first date. Alexis is sort of protective as a result."

"I can relate." Jim said easily, poking his daughter in the ribs.

"One time!" Kate exploded. "I put a woman under surveillance _one_ time!"

Castle laughed hysterically, and she elbowed him, much harder than she needed to.  _Make that three fingers._  She thought.  _Left to right._

Jim smiled sedately. "Don't take it to heart, Katie-Bear, I'm sure Castle Jr just wants her dad to end up with someone as good as her mom."

"Actually, just the opposite." Castle said easily. "I can say this because Alexis agrees with me, and because she's my ex-wife, but Meredith is a flake."

"Really."

"Oh don't get me wrong, she was a good mother when she was there, but she didn't want to be around for the maintenance." Castle explained. "She was there for the first word, the first step, but the second the kid got an ear-ache or needed a diaper change, or we had a parent-teacher conference… She would run for the hills."

"Like you with the paperwork." Kate found an opportunity for the offensive at last and pounced on it. "You're the same way. Any time the precinct has to do anything necessary but boring, you remind us that you're not a cop and tell me to call you for the next dead body."

Castle stared at her, realizing she had scored a point. "Conversations like this are the reason I got divorced. Twice."

"You married Meredith and Gina." Kate shot back. "What'd you expect?"

"I lucked out. I got Joanna." Jim said sincerely. "After that, I could never marry a… what did you call it? A flake?"

"And a deep fried Twinkie." Kate muttered under her breath.

Jim nodded instantly. "Ahh, well that's different.  _That_  takes me back. For me the deep fried Twinkie was Isobel Warren."

"Dad!" Kate tried not to shriek.

"What? I was a teenager once, young lady. This was long before I met your mother; and believe me I could tell you some stories that make  _this_  guy seem like a monk-"

"DAD!" Kate clapped her hands over her ears and Jim traded a sly wink with Castle.

"So, shall we start the movie?" Castle asked brightly.

"You bet. Katie, try not to do the impressions."

"Impressions?" Castle's ears pricked up.

"Katie-Bear went through this phase where she would say all the lines in her favorite movies with the actors, but she would exaggerate the accents so much." Jim explained. "I swear, I almost sent the tape in to funniest home videos, I was laughing so hard."

"Do you still have the tapes?" Castle demanded. "I can pay you. A lot."

"Sure, I think they're somewhere upstairs with Katie's old modelling photos."

Castle looked to Kate with an amazing smile blooming across his face.

"Dad, would you please  _stop_ , because you are embarrassing me." Kate hissed.  _Four fingers. At least._

* * *

Beckett strolled into the 12th the next morning, eyes roving like she was seeking prey. Ryan and Esposito came over to brief her on the morning's events and immediately felt her sub-zero gaze sweep past them, weighing them up and judging them to be meaningless in the same moment. They immediately turned around and walked the other way quickly, as she cruised toward her desk like a hungry shark.

Castle was at her desk, typing rapidly at her computer, churning out what had to be a few hundred words a minute. She felt her fists bunch as she got closer.

"Good morning, Detective." Castle said brightly without turning, as though he wasn't about to die at all. "I'm sorry I don't have your coffee this morning, but I got in early, thought I should get a start."

"A start on what?" Beckett demanded, derailed again. "And what was that about  _not_  having my  _coffee_?"

"I took our little conversation to heart last night, and I decided that you were right. We are partners after all, and I owe it to you to do my share of the work. The real work I mean, not just all the fun stuff with the cool dead people."

"You are a  _ghoul_ , and you can show a little respect to those victims, and is that espresso?" Kate demanded, picking up Castle's half-empty coffee cup and taking a cautious sip.

Castle continued as though she hadn't spoken. "…So I came in early to get a jump on my share of the paperwork."

Beckett swallowed convulsively, almost gagged. "You what?"

"Well sure, that's what you've been after me to do all this time, isn't it?" Castle asked her sweetly. "I got the weekly and the daily reports out of the way, as well as the-"

"Detective Beckett." An icy voice called.

Beckett turned and saw Gate at the door to her office. "May I have a word with you?"

Beckett rose to follow her into the Captain's office quickly. "Sir?"

"You want to tell me why the daily reports now read like a damn Pulp Novel Thriller?"

"Sir?"

"This is a copy of last week's report about a standard parking ticket. Read it please."

Kate did so.

* * *

_Red Ford Convertible, License Plate GHI-723, was found parked too far from the curb at the corner of 15th and Broadway…_

* * *

Gates took the folder off her and handed her another. "Now one written this morning."

Feeling an icy dread climb up her spine, Kate read it.

* * *

_A hard rain fell on the Big Apple, as the dawn fought futilely to shine through. The rain fell harder with each passing minute, adding more and more to the price against justice; to be paid by the owner of the Oldsmobile, left motionless at the corner of 18th and Lexington. Once a common sight on the streets of America, the rusting monument to yesterday…_

* * *

Kate set down the report with a groan. "Oh lord in heaven have mercy on us miserable sinners."

Gates was unforgiving. "Keep your pet on a damn leash, Detective. What on earth possessed him to write police reports?"

"I may have given him the idea." Kate admitted awkwardly.

"I send this to the DA, and he's gonna laugh half our cases out of court. What am I supposed to tell him? Do I tell him to come down to the 12th and get it autographed? Do I tell him our latest monthly reports will be out in paperback soon?"

"He's a writer, it's what he does…"

"He's  _not_  a cop. I'm not kidding, Detective, we don't outsource this sort of thing to folks who don't carry a badge."

"I'll take care of it."

* * *

Beckett stalked up to him angrily, and he still hacked away at the keyboard with glee. "I can't believe I held off on doing this for so long. You guys have the best material, and it's so much fun-"

"Get out of my chair. Out. Get out! Getout!Getout!Getout!" She pushed the chair aside, and the wheels rolled him across the aisle to Esposito's desk.

"Kate." He observed carefully. "You're upset."

"You can't take it seriously for a second can you?" She snarled. "Gates has made it clear that nobody without a badge is to do the official reports, since the NYPD apparently got Raymond Chandler to volunteer his time this morning…"

"So… now you  _don't_  want me to do paperwork?" Castle needled. "Worried about the competition?"

"I  _want_  you to let me do my job before Gates throws you out."

Castle took that in, and stood up. "Okay. But tell her if I go, the coffee machine goes with me."

"What? Wait, you can't do that!" Kate hissed, chasing after him.

"Well, since I'm not a cop, I might as well head home." Castle needled. "Your dad gave me a few photos I want to post on my blog. Call me for the next dead body!"

Ryan and Esposito were quietly watching the whole thing from the espresso machine. "Think he's serious about the coffee machine?"

"Nah. Still, that round goes to him. Advantage: Castle. I think that makes it deuce."

"More like stalemate. Just wait, Bro. Beckett's gonna kick his ass _slow_."

"And we get to watch." Ryan said gleefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Jim Beckett is an alcoholic. That will be addressed in the next chapter, so don't pounce yet.


	4. Taking Sides

Castle and Beckett hadn't broken their staring contest for over half an hour.

Ryan and Esposito were peeking at them, as were most of the Precinct from time to time.

They were sitting at the desk, with their hands flat on the table top. Not a twitch, not a blink, not a word.

"For the record, I knew immediately that the whole scene at my dad's apartment was a put on." Beckett said finally. "You knew full well he was a recovering alcoholic. You never would have brought over a six-pack."

"Non-alcoholic." Castle allowed, not moving a muscle. "But half of writing a scene is setting the scene."

Beckett gave him a single nod, and the staring contest resumed.

"Don't you have somewhere to go?" Castle said finally.

"Why? Where'd you have in mind?" She dared him, not flinching.

"The break room? Little girls room? Shooting range?"

"That where you put the bucket of water over the door?" Beckett interrogated him.

A moment later Castle's cell phone rang. He never shifted his hands from the desk.

"You should answer that." Beckett suggested, not breaking eye contact for an instant.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Castle responded. "What'd you do? Tie a joy-buzzer to my phone?"

And so the stalemate lasted, both of them paralyzed by the battle of wills that was now in the fourth day, until Gates came in, furious. "Beckett! You've got a call. Stop playing footsie with Castle and go answer it! There's a killer out there laughing at you right now."

Beckett was on her feet instantly. Castle noticed Ryan and Esposito glaring at him like it was all his fault. Castle had the decency to look embarrassed. The rules of their little war were ill defined.

"We'll get better at this!" He shouted after her, unsure of what else to say.

* * *

Despite some of their more interesting challenges, 99% of murders were committed in the heat of the moment. Finding the killer was rarely as difficult as the thrillers made it sound. Coming home that night gave Beckett time enough to search her furniture for practical joke landmines.

She was in the middle of a pitched battle, and Castle was not quite as unprepared as she would like.

She needed a battle plan. She didn't want a chess game, she wanted a shock-and-awe campaign. This was not to be a boxing match, this was to be an execution.

And to guarantee the kind of victory she was accustomed to, she needed reinforcements.

Martha would be no help. Nor would Ryan and Esposito. Her dad had declared his allegiance in the game, the rat traitor...

That left an old ally. A criminal mastermind who's cunning was equal to her own.

She answered on the third ring. "Q3."

"Madison, it's me." Beckett said coolly. "We have a code 'Whoopee'."

Madison's voice hardened. "I'm on my way."

* * *

"We could get him drunk and handcuff him to the Times Square Video Screen." Madison suggested.

"No, we can't go falling back into old patterns, we need something…  _unexpected_  here." Beckett explained. "Castle is cunning and there are a number of best-seller lists that suggest he has a good imagination."

"Come at him sideways?" Madison considered. "Well, he went to your father. We could go to his mom."

"Martha is already on our side, but not in an active capacity. She likes seeing his nose tweaked, but she's not my biggest fan at times... Castle is bulletproof when it comes to embarrassing public spectacle. Waking up naked and handcuffed to a tree in Central Park… To him that's a great night. You haven't read his police file. I have."

Madison's nose wrinkled as she gave the matter further thought. "Well... His clothes, his hair, his house... Those things are all flammable."

"Mmm. Too far."

"Especially since you wanna make little Castle babies."

"Don't go there." Beckett warned, but without any real anger.

"I'm just saying, the last one to get you this riled up with Toni Tribbiani. And you remember how  _that_  turned out."

"With me holding your hair back while you puked up the celebratory bender." Beckett agreed solemnly.

"And you getting a tattoo removed a month later." Madison shot back.

"Mm." Beckett sipped her coffee. "We may have taken that little Prank War a bit far."

"How far you want to take this one?" Her oldest friend asked primly.

"As far as he will."

"You've gotten bloodthirsty, Katie. I think I like it."

"I'm not that bloodthirsty." Beckett defended. "But I'd rather die than give in to Castle on _anything_ , ever."

"Why?" Madison asked, a little alarmed at her vehemence.

"Well, it's Castle. He's so damn competitive."

"Well. There's the Champagne Shocker." Madison suggested.

Beckett grinned and pulled her phone. "Alexis?" She called a moment later. "I need a small favor."

"You have his teenage daughter on speed dial?" Madison felt her jaw drop.

* * *

"This was a great idea." Castle agreed as the waiter brought them their entrée.

Alexis smoothed her evening-ware dress and smiled innocently. "Well, with both of us so busy at the precinct now, we haven't had any time for each other lately."

Castle chuckled. "Seems like only yesterday the day Beckett showed up while we were in the middle of a laser tag war."

"You're just mad that you lost."

"I did not lose, we were interrupted by your grandmother."

Alexis took a sip of her drink primly. "All part of my master plan."

Castle smiled affectionately at his daughter. The best part of being a famous rich guy was getting a table at any exclusive restaurant at any time you wanted. A night out with his favorite girl was just what the doctor ordered.

Alexis lifted the napkin to her lips a moment, and stood up. "Excuse me a moment."

Two seconds after she was gone, her chair was occupied again. Castle looked up as a familiar blonde sat down opposite him. "Madison."

"Hello Rick. It's been a while." She gave him a mock glare. "You don't call me any more."

"That's true. My fault." Castle held his hands up in surrender. "Got kinda busy. Forgive me?"

"Of course. But if you wanted a great meal, you could have come to Q3. You know I would have a table ready for you."

"Alexis choice." Castle waved that off. "What brings you by? Sizing up the competition?"

"You have no idea." Madison grinned, suddenly somewhat terrifying.

Castle sat bolt upright in his seat. "Oh god, you know about what's going on with Beckett! What did you do to my food?"

Madison burst into heartless cackles. "You know, back in grade school, there was this guy Katie and I knew. He used to pull on her pigtails all the time."

"Beckett had pig-tails?" Castle grinned in jaded awe.

"Yup. And this guy loved yanking them halfway out of her head. It was the only way he could tell her he liked her. So. You having a prank war with Beckett to get her attention back now that she's just taking you for granted? Or do you just hate to lose?"

The waiter brought them two flutes of champagne and set them down on the table. "We didn't order these." Castle said nervously.

"I did." Madison said brightly, taking a sip of the nearest glass.

Castle looked over his shoulder, still terrified. "What has Beckett done with my daughter?"

Madison chuckled. "Alexis is a good egg. Much like Jim Beckett."

Castle suddenly felt surrounded. "Madison, you sure you want to get into this?"

"You mess with Kate Beckett, you mess with her whole family." Madison said lightly.

"I'm family too." Castle said sincerely.

"I know. That's the best part." Madison nodded, and pulled a diamond ring out of her pocket.

Castle's eyes focused on it. "Is that Joanna Beckett's ring?"

"Uh-huh." Madison said with a smile. Before Castle could react, she dropped it into her champagne flute.

Castle felt his heart stop.

"EEEE!" Madison squealed like a hyperactive dolphin, making every head in the restaurant turn to their table as she fished the ring back out and put it on her finger. "RICKY! I'M SO HAPPY!  **YES**! YES, OF COURSE I'LL MARRY YOU!" She pounced across the table and landed in Castle's lap, smothering him with kisses as everyone in the restaurant burst into warm applause, so thrilled for them.

Castle didn't even notice the people snapping photos.

Alexis was at the bathroom door watching the whole thing, and she was not amused.

* * *

Madison had told the story three times, embellishing details as needed, and Beckett was polishing her mother's ring clean of champagne when her cell phone rang. She flipped it open. "Becke-"

"Do you have  _any_  idea what happens to me when the papers declare my dad off the market?" Alexis snarled into her phone. "Why didn't you tell me what the plan was?"

Beckett was stunned. "Alexis, I…"

"My friends crowd around me, all convinced that I have a new wicked stepmother; half my teachers are Castle Groupies, demanding to know if I'm taking her name. Bridal magazine see a celebrity on the engaged list and start calling me, offering to make my bridesmaid dress at cost if I'll put in a good word for them with the bride. And  _then_  my mom calls; demanding to know all about Madison, and why I didn't tell her. You've met her, would you want to have that conversation?"

"Blame me." Beckett said. It seemed the safest thing to say.

"Oh believe me, I did." Alexis said sharply. "I told them all the truth. I told my teachers who want to know all about you, then my friends, who don't believe it's that simple, then my mom, wanting to know what you're still doing in his life, and 'maybe I should come back to New York; just to keep an eye on things for a while'. Detective, I was happy to play this little game with you because it's all in good fun, but if this is just you throwing my dad a bone so he'll hang around a little longer, just remember my name. I'm Team Castle."

Beckett reacted. "Meaning?"

"Meaning you might want to be careful which allies you burn in this little game. If any of us are going to shift teams, we both know the most likely suspect is me."

Alexis hung up on her then.

Madison cleared her throat loudly and Beckett looked over as she put her phone away.

Madison mimed someone pulling on her hair, a wide grin on her face.

Beckett rolled her eyes and put her phone away. "I think I might have lost that one on points."

Madison laughed delightedly. "What's next?"

* * *

Ryan and Esposito were humming 'Here Comes The Bride' when Castle walked into the 12th the next day.

Beckett came to her feet as he walked in, and the Precinct came to a screeching halt as Castle and Beckett faced off like gunslingers, ten feet of distance between them.

"You think you won." He told Beckett solemnly. "But you drove Alexis over to my side. That. Was... A Mistake."

Beckett didn't flinch. "Madison says there were a lot of freebies waiting for her when she got to work this morning. She's thrilled. She wants to know what's next."

"Nothing is next." Castle said seriously. "This is over. It was fine, so long as it was all fun and games, but now my daughter's life has been made more difficult because you were having fun. I'm calling a cease joke."

Beckett considered. "These things have a tendency to escalate. Bowing out while it's still small might be the smarter move."

This was all done with great formality. A treaty being negotiated.

Around the room, their audience let out a low groan at the notion that the show was ending. "Oh come on! What the hell kinda fun is this?" Someone shouted from the back of the room. "We came to see a boxing match, and we get synchronised swimming!"

Esposito faced the assembled cops. "Come on people, we all knew it couldn't last forever."

Ryan piped up. "We were expecting it to be at a double funeral too, but  _que sera sera."_

Castle and Beckett shook hands promptly. "Well then. Thus ends the war." Castle said with formality.

"And kudos for being the bigger person about it." Beckett said graciously.

"What makes you say that?"

"Well... I got the last shot in before we shook on it."

Ryan grumbled and pulled out his wallet. Esposito took the twenty without the slightest trace of humor on his face.

"Wanna bet?" Castle said, in a voice that spoke of absolute doom.

Ryan suddenly grinned and snatched the twenty back.

"What?" Esposito hissed.

Ryan shrugged. "I don't know where he's going with this, but it looks like we're in for extra innings."

Beckett leveled him with a glare. "What did you do?"

Castle stood up. So did Beckett. Castle pushed the chair back a little, moving into the aisle. Beckett registered the movement and slowly stepped around the desk to match it.

Castle just smiled. "How are you enjoying the morning coffee?"

"Fine." Beckett said guardedly, eyes flicking to the enormous cup.

Castle shifted his weight to the side, as if getting into a stance. Beckett noticed and stepped a little closer.

"Well, after Maddie won her Oscar Award last night," Castle said conversationally. "I came in, and as usual I stopped by the old espresso machine."

He moved again. She countered. Step, shift, step.

"And... did what?" Beckett probed.

He moved again. She countered. Step, shift, step.

"Nothing at all. I don't use the espresso machine in practical jokes, it was a gift that I gave you."

Ryan and Esposito traded a glance, remembering the 'mummy curse' prank campaign.

"I did however..." Castle continued. "...notice that your coffee beans were expired. I figured I should do the right thing and... make sure my muse wasn't cut off from her supply. Especially since she hasn't trusted a single cup I've brought her since this little game began."

He moved again. She countered. Step, shift, step.

"And may I add, Detective, how brave it is, to tweak the nose of your dealer." Castle said brightly.

Beckett's eyes flicked to the coffee cup again. "Castle." She said calmly. Too calmly. Scary calmly. "Am I... drinking  **decaf**?"

Castle moved again. She countered. Step, shift, step.

"Yes." Castle said directly, and turned to run instantly. Beckett took off after him.

"He's a dead man." Ryan said shortly.

"Naw, she can't catch him without caffeine."

There was a loud smash from the break room, before Castle came running out, looking decidedly less amused. Beckett was hot on the chase.

Esposito turned back to Ryan. "They ain't done, are they?"

"Oh, it's  _on_." Ryan said seriously. "Double the bet?"


	5. Think of the Children!

Kate led them into the interrogation room. "Okay. This is The Box. I make bad guys cry for their mommies in this room."

Scared as they were, the two kindergarten kids giggled a bit at that as she shut the door.

Beckett sat the kids down, and gave them her friendliest smile. "Okay, let's take it from the top. What happened?"

"We... We were here for the field trip." The taller one said slowly.

"Yes, I'm familiar with your class trip. We've all been looking forward to having you here." Beckett said with a smile on her face. "What I want to know is, how you would get from  _there_ , to screaming at my Captain."

The poor school kids were almost on the verge of blubbering. "She said it was part of the game."

"She?"

"The nice lady with the red hair."

_Alexis_. "What exactly did she tell you?"

"That we were going get presents, and that we had to ask for them. She sent us into the office with Miss Gates, and said that if the woman behind the desk told us to go away or, that she didn't have anything, then we had to ask again, only louder. She said it was part of the game." The boy sniffed. "She wasn't supposed to get mad."

Beckett's mouth became a thin line. Alexis had indeed joined Team Castle in this little prank war. "She's not mad." Beckett promised. "Captain Gates, is in fact, mortally embarrassed. And I didn't think that was possible."

The kids looked down. "Sorry." One of them volunteered.

"Ohh, you've got nothing to apologize for. This one was all our fault." Beckett said kindly. "In fact, how about if the 12th Precinct makes it up to you?"

* * *

Castle was tapping away at his laptop, working on the new book, when the door opened in the living room. "Dad?" Alexis called, her voice high pitched. "Are you sitting down?"

Castle blinked. "Yes?" He called back.

Alexis came into her father's office, and Castle nearly fell out of his chair. She was wearing a scout uniform, but it was not in her size.

On a five year old, the Girl Scout uniform would be normal. On a nineteen year old, it was a miniskirt with a top that left her midriff and most of her ribcage bare…

"Alexis, you're the definition of jailbait." Castle said coldly and carefully. "Why on earth..."

"Beckett." Alexis said simply. "Our plan worked, but Gates made the kindergarteners cry, and Beckett said that make up for it, the NYPD would assign one of their interns to help them sell cookies." She looked at herself. "The kids were kind enough to loan me a uniform, since I didn't have one." And then Castle was on the receiving end of a subzero glare. "Beckett said that you told her I was already a scout, so she assumed I would not only be happy to help, but have a uniform of my own."

"Ohhhh…. I'm gonna kill her."

"Actually, she was okay about it. Even assigned a cop to escort me around town when she saw the uniform."

Castle's eyes narrowed. "Which one?"  _If it was Slaughter, I swear to_ _Lucifer_ _…_

"I... don't think I should tell you." Alexis said slowly. "There's an unholy gleam in your eye."

Heavy silence.

"Beckett's not quite as weak as we would like." Alexis observed. "We gotta think up something  _special_  for this." She bit her lip. "You know her better than anyone, what's the weak spot? When in the last four years has Beckett been completely unhinged?"

"Her mom's case?" Castle counted. "Her old partner's murder?"

"Too far."

Castle suddenly smiled. "Oh."

"Oh? I like 'Oh'." Alexis leaned forward sharply. "Tell me everything."

Castle looked away from her sharply, scowling again.

Alexis blinked and looked down at herself, quickly divining the problem. "How about I get changed first?"

* * *

Beckett strode into the office, and headed for her desk. As she approached, she slowed down, before coming to a stop at the desk. Her workspace was surrounded by police tape, and the humanoid chalk outline of a murder victim was drawn under her desk.

Beckett pursed her lips, more amused than she let on. She looked over to Ryan and Esposito, who were openly staring at her, waiting for a reaction.

"We don't have enough to do without adding fake murders?"

"What makes you think it's fake?" Ryan asked innocently.

"The only one who hangs around my desk other than you two and me is Castle. And since I just got here, I doubt somebody murdered him." Beckett sighed at the latest retaliation and quickly started taking down the police tape.

"Please don't disturb my crime scene." Alexis' voice intoned. Beckett turned and discovered Alexis right behind her, mirroring the Detective's pose precisely, wearing exactly the same outfit Beckett had on.

Beckett froze, trying to process the image.

Ryan was whimpering with the effort it took not to laugh. Beckett sent him a warning look.

Esposito immediately lifted his phone and took a snap of the two of them together. An instant later, so did Ryan. An instant after him, so did half the Precinct.

"That's the office Christmas Card right there." Sang out a cheerful voice, and Beckett turned to find Castle perched on her desk, with a larger box of Girl Scout cookies in his hand. "How soon do you think we could get Natalie Rhodes here to make it a hat-trick?"

Beckett was about to tear him apart with her bare hands, when Castle quickly reached into her desk and pulled out her badge. He scribbled down her badge number into one of his omnipresent notebooks and returned the badge carefully.

"Castle, what are you doing?" Beckett and Alexis demanded, in perfect unison, in exactly the same tone of voice. Beckett sent a death glare at Alexis, who smiled winningly in response.

Ryan had turned bright red, fingers pressed against his mouth in an effort not to crack up.

Gates came into the bullpen. "Detective, we got…" She saw the scene and stopped short. "Is there a good reason for that?" She asked icily.

"Yes." Castle said.

"No." Beckett said in the same breath.

"Fine." Gates dismissed it. "We got the call, get to work."

"Yessir." Beckett called back and looked at Alexis. "Or do  _you_  want to take this one?"

"That could be fun." Castle suggested brightly.

"By the way Detective, bring a sponge." Gates called from her office door. "You're gonna need one."

"Maybe not." Alexis' nose wrinkled. "Detective, why don't you get this one; I'll get… the next one."

The team collected their gear and headed out; as Ryan slipped over to Castle. "What do you want her badge number for?"

"You'll see."

* * *

Two days later, Beckett came into the 12th, fell down into her chair. "Ryan. Don't pretend you haven't seen it."

Ryan swallowed, and pulled the paper out. He had been sitting on it.

She rubbed her eyes. "Okay. Read it."

Ryan began reading the article. "On the lighter side, today the NYPD were the toast of the 23rd street grade school, when society novelist Richard Castle was kind enough to donate thirty two NYPD jackets, in assorted kindergarten sizes. Each student on the school field trip was given a jacket of their very own to take home with them. When asked, the Mayor was quoted as saying that the NYPD was always meant to be a big part of the community, and to that end, the Mayor instituted a new program to have NYPD personnel take part in school programs on a volunteer basis; including selling cookies, raffle tickets, gym classes... Credit for the generosity went to NYPD detective Kate Beckett, who reportedly suggested the move. Detective Beckett declined to comment."

"That's why he wanted my badge number. Needed it to approve police resources and give me the credit." She sighed. "Now read the worst part."

Ryan tensed. "I don't know if I should…"

" _Read it!"_ Beckett barked.

Ryan sighed. "Interns with the 12th were reportedly quoted as saying: 'Our Detectives are great role models. I do my best to emulate them whenever I can'."

Beckett rubbed her eyes firmly. "Is there any chance that intern  _wasn't_  Alexis?"

"There's a photo of you and her from when she was posing as your Mini-Me." Ryan folded the paper. "Beckett, on behalf of Jenny, can I just thank you for taking up what was left of my free time?"

"Oh bite me, Ryan; you know full well that you bought all those cookies yourself."

"Espo bought a few. I think things with Laine hit another snag. He's been eating for three."

The door to the Captain's office opened and Gates leaned out. "Detective Beckett, can I have a word with you?"

A cloud of doom over her, Beckett followed.

* * *

Castle was already in the office.

"Well Mr Castle." Captain Gates said calmly. "It seems I'm in the unusual position of having to thank you."

"Thank him?" Beckett repeated as she came in.

"The NYPD Community Drive is getting some phenomenally good reactions from the general population. The Mayor's office is thrilled. So is the Commissioner. The only time you see the NYPD in the news is Police Brutality cases. Except for today. A brilliant move, giving Beckett the credit."

Castle smiled broadly. "Anything I can do to help my favorite town, and my favorite cop." He turned to Beckett. "By the way, some reporters I know would like to get some human interest stories done. They want to know when you'll be available for interviews."

Beckett fumed, and Gates jumped in. "She'll be available at any time you care to name, dead bodies not withstanding."

Castle beamed. "Great. I'll let them know."

Castle headed out, and Gates turned to Beckett. "Either beat this guy so bad he never picks up a squirt pistol again, or get him outta here. The pride of the Department's at stake now."

Despite herself, Beckett grinned. Gates had declared allegiance. The 12th was Team Beckett.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now help me out here, folks.
> 
> When i first wrote this story, I sort of ran out of ideas at the end here, and so I time-skipped forward to the End of the Great Prank War; to wrap up the tale. If anyone has any ideas for things I could fill it in with, I can't rule out adding more chapters later; otherwise I shall post the ending as normal.


	6. Peace

The Prank War stretched on for six months. The war escalated to draw in several members of the Twelfth. Both Team Castle and Team Beckett began growing suspicious, keeping watch for the inevitable strike that their enemy would make. Coffee was checked and rechecked from all angles. Conversations became heavy with meaning. Cases and information had to be taken carefully, for fear of tampering. Most members of the Twelfth brought in their own food and drink, not trusting the freely available snacks. Castle had played the 'PR Campaign' card again, making the Twelfth the only Precinct that ate healthy, leaving all those donuts untouched.

Paranoia grew as both sides grew more comfortable and more elaborate. Ordinary things like aftershave or makeup became suspect; closely followed by personal items such as bedding and chairs, and light switches.

All handshakes stopped as outside agitators got into the act, using the old standbys such as whoopee cushions and hand buzzers. No doors were closed properly in expectation of tripwires.

None of them thought these measures were in any way excessive, having been gradually introduced to them over the course of months. The pranks themselves changed, becoming completely ridiculous. Nobody noticed at first, but little by little it was taken one step further after another, both combatants raising the stakes, kicking it up a notch with every passing week.

As the sun set on New York City, Richard Castle adjusted his clown shoes and flip-flopped his way out of the cab. "Sorry about the paint." He said to the driver. "You can make the cleaning bill payable to the NYPD."

"Thanks." The driver said without gratitude. "No offense, mate; but if I ever see you waving for a cab, I'm going to ignore you."

Castle nodded as his shirt started leaking bright red paint from a patch over his heart again. "Dammit." Castle complained. "Every five minutes on the dot it starts spurting again."

The cabbie didn't respond to that before speeding away.

* * *

The doorman at the entrance to Castle's building was as unflappable as they came, even by New Yorker standards. So when the wealthiest member of the building came in wearing large clown shoes, and bleeding from an apparent bullet wound to the heart, he didn't blink.

Castle looked quietly furious. "Evening, Jeffrey. I'm afraid I don't have my key."

Jeffrey nodded. "Do I need to change the locks?"

"No; I'll have them back in twelve to thirty six hours. Don't ask."

"I won't." Jeffrey said easily. "I'll get the spare for you. Got your revenge planned yet?"

"I have several possible counterattacks prepared." Castle said, non-committal, and then froze. "Why do you ask?"

"Just being neighborly, sir." The Doorman responded promptly.

"Y'know, Jeff, I remember I told you about the pudding in the pillow plan; and Beckett was ready for that one." Castle narrowed his eyes coolly. "You wouldn't be double crossing me would you, Jeff?"

"Now Mr Castle, if I shared private information with anyone, let alone let them into your home while you were out…"

Castle paled; eyes bulging. "I never mentioned my apartment."

"Didn't you?" Jeffrey said innocently.

* * *

Beckett fired two shots, and quickly darted forward, working the shattered lock off the large steamer trunk. The second the lock was gone, the trunk flew open. Ryan and Esposito climbed out, looking madder than all hell.

"I'm sorry it took me so long. I couldn't find a key anywhere!" She apologized profusely. They were both twitching and shaking.

Esposito spoke then, but not to her. "Ryan, we  _never_ … and Javier Esposito means  _ **never**_ , speak of the box again."

Ryan nodded crazily; red as a tomato. "I need a shower."

"Me too." Esposito agreed.

"WHAT?"

"No! Not…  _After_  you, I mean." Esposito waved that off.

Ryan looked at Beckett with haunted, tortured eyes. "He put  _itching powder_  in there with us." He whimpered and ran off to find a shower, scratching at his clothes like a man possessed.

"How did he get you  _in_  the box?" Beckett asked in jaded awe.

"I don't want to talk about it." Esposito said shortly. "Y'know, trying not to writhe all over Ryan while locked up in a steamer trunk, I had some time to think. I kept my sanity by focusing on one wonderful thought. I'm done."

"Done?"

"Kate, you know I'd walk into the ocean for you." He said kindly. "But this is nuts. I've been in combat, I was trained to withstand interrogation from middle-eastern warlords. I came back and I worked vice; spent four years dealing with the freakiest levels of depravity and degenerate behavior that a perverted mind can come up with. Castle and his daughter are just  **nuts**. I'm out."

"Javi…" Beckett said helplessly. "What am I supposed to do with the penguins if I don't have you?"

Esposito almost cried. "I'm sorry, Beckett. I can't take it. I haven't turned a switch on or off in my house all month, I haven't shaken hands, I triple check my food, my clothes, my toilet… I'm under siege, and I can't kill him. If I could just put a real bullet into him, this would have been over three months ago, but this isn't a war I know how to fight." He looked like a six year old refugee.

Beckett reached out and took his shaking hands in her own. "No, Javi; it's my fault. I never should have drafted you guys into this. I'm the one that put you into the line of seltzer fire."

"Detective."

They both turned and saw Gates in the doorway. She didn't look angry, just tired.

"Can I have a word with you in my office?"

* * *

Castle came in and kicked off the clown shoes with relief.

"What the hell happened to you?" His daughter asked as the door shut. "How did she get you into a pair of big floppy clown shoes?"

"Roughly the same way I got Ryan and Esposito into a steamer trunk." Castle sighed. "Somehow she rigged my shirt with a squib too. I thought I'd actually been shot for a second there…" He trailed off as he realized Alexis was wearing a big white cowboy hat. "Where'd that come from?"

"Don't freak out." Alexis told him. "If I can take it, you can take it." She took the hat off and shook out her hair… which had apparently undergone a change of its own.

There was a beat as they just looked at each other, her with long green hair so bright it almost glowed, and him with a fake bullet wound bleeding down the front of his shirt onto a pair of clown shoes.

"So." Castle said to his daughter finally. "Any word on our plans for the counterattack?"

"Yeah, the guy at Seaworld says that he can't just loan out the penguins." Alexis told him, pulling the phone message out of her pocket. "He also said that two policemen were there this morning asking similar questions."

"Dammit! Team Beckett beat us to it." Castle sighed as his shirt started dripping 'blood' again, and he went searching through his pockets. "Where is that  _coming from_?"

Alexis helped him wrap up the shirt in a ball before it dripped on the floor. "Now, good news about the rubber skeleton; there's a supplier in LA that will ship overnight. The trick will be keeping the blueberries fresh till it gets here."

Castle nodded, unconcerned. "Well, they won't fall apart from a night in the freezer. Oh, did I tell you? I found a guy who could do a wax model of Elvis."

Long silence as they both reviewed the conversation in their head. "I think we may be getting a little ridiculous." Alexis said slowly.

Castle nodded, most seriously. "I think you may be right. Somewhere around the inflatable dog-Superman, I started to wonder if I was being a little silly."

Alexis nodded. "I had the same thought when I went to nine different stores looking for a zombie-elephant costume that would fit Detective Ryan."

Castle spread his hands helplessly. "Where did we go wrong?"

* * *

Gates poured Beckett a drink, and set it on the desk with one hand. With the other hand she absently picked up a long ruler and used it to check her office chair for traps. Finding none, she brought the chair over to sit with Kate instead of behind the desk, and they both sat down. "Detective." Gates said. "The entire Precinct is now made up of POW's. Prisoner's of Whoopee." The phrase was unlike Gates, but spoken with such a soft, gentle severity, that Beckett was left forced with no option but to concede.

"I know." Beckett sighed. "I think this has gotten a little… stupid."

Gates nodded, not angry; she was in fact being very reasonable about it. "I am forced to agree. And as much as I may have encouraged you to kick his ass, this isn't the job the taxpayers paid us for."

Beckett nodded. "Escalation." She said quietly.

"Escalation." Gates toasted, raising her glass to Beckett's. "It seems like a natural progression at the time, but you one-up each other till everyone forgets why. Time to start behaving like adults again."

"I hope Castle sees it that way."

"I don't know about him, but I think his daughter lost her nerve when I put green hair dye in her shampoo bottle." Gates said matter-of-factly.

Beat.

They both cracked up into the mirthless laugh of the damned.

* * *

At that time of night, the Precinct was on the night shift. There were still plenty of cops around, guarding the prisoners, watching the monitors. But in the bullpen, it was silent. Even the most work-obsessed cops had gone home. All except Beckett.

She turned as Castle knocked on the desk furthest from her. "Knock knock. You wanted to see me?"

He had a brown lunch bag in his hand, and her eyes fixed on it automatically. "Yes." She said neutrally. "Yes I did."

Castle held up his hands, and the bag with them. "I'm not armed. I checked my joy-buzzer at the door."

Beckett nodded. "I did too."

"Really?"

"You wanna search me?" She dared him.

Castle paused, giving the matter due thought.

"Okay, stop it now." Beckett broke him out of his fantasy. "Castle… somehow, I knew when I found my team locked nose to knees in a steamer trunk, that this had gone too far."

Castle nodded seriously. "Beckett, when I realized how upset I was that you had beaten me to a team of trained penguins, I had the same thought."

This was said with a perfect deadpan; the conversation more like a eulogy than anything else.

"Detective, I think there's something more important than winning this war."

"I do too." Beckett said. "Ending it."

"Yes." Castle agreed. "But, the thing is, I think we should have been paying more attention when it began."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, let's review." Castle said and started counting on his fingers. "The first shot in this little war; the shot heard around the Precinct, was an accidental remark about our fictional counterparts considering parenthood. You responded by making me think we actually had done so. The second round was me going to your father's house. I never told you this, but I asked your dad for permission to keep the prank war going."

"Round two started with you asking my father permission for something involving me?" Beckett repeated, dumbfounded.

Castle nodded darkly. "Round three: You faked a marriage proposal."

Long silence. Beckett licked her lips. "Okay. I don't believe a word you're saying, but keep talking."

Castle nodded. "The tone of this war changed when we involved other people. Alexis, Gates… When the teams expanded, it escalated. But when it was just us… it really was  _just us_."

Beckett felt her heart hammering, but didn't know why.

Castle shrugged. "If we were putting this up on the murder board, you'd take one look at it and jump straight to pretty obvious conclusion about what we were both thinking, even if we didn't realize it ourselves."

"Escalation." Beckett nodded, understanding that much. "A desire becomes a thought, becomes a plan, becomes an intention, results in an action."

"Usually that's how we figure out motive to murder; but what would you think about this?" Castle pressed. "Seriously, look at how this started and… draw a conclusion about what the combatants were thinking."

A look of pain crossed her face. "Castle… I can't. Not like this."

"I got no answers, Kate. And I'm not asking for anything. I just…" Castle sighed. "We're really good at  _not_  noticing the way we act around each other."

"I guess we are." Beckett agreed. Nothing more than that. She gave him nothing.

Castle held out a hand. "Peace?"

She shook it seriously. "Peace."

Castle opened the bag and pulled out a large coffee and an iced donut. "Guess which one's for you?" He asked rhetorically.

Kate's smile lit up her whole face; and she took the travel cup. "Ohh, you have no idea how good it is to get espresso that I don't have to triple check out of paranoia."

Castle laughed and pulled his pen from his top pocket and clicked the button. Kate's eyes bulged at the sight. Castle glanced around for a moment, and left the pen on the desk. "Sorry, need paper; I left my moleskine at home in case you did something to it."

"Would I do that?" Beckett joshed him lightly.

Beckett lunged across the table as soon as he was looking another way; snatching his pen straight off the desk. "One-Mississippi-two-Mississippi…" She counted quickly and silently as she dumped the pen in her desk drawer, slamming it shut. An instant later there was muffled bang and a flash of light came out of the desk, shining a sudden unnatural flash from the cracks around the drawer.

"Did you hear something?" Castle asked, looking back at her from a few desks over.

"No." She said innocently, and opened the drawer again, putting the pen back where it had been a moment ago. Castle hadn't noticed.

Castle returned to the desk and sat down opposite her, scribbling down a note. Beckett smiled at the familiar sight, picking up her coffee again. Behind her, a trio a monkeys with paper-mache wings came wandering up behind her; leashed to Alexis hand, as the younger green-haired Castle came into the bullpen with a satanic grin.

Rick waved desperately over Kate's shoulder, and Alexis froze, trying to reel the monkeys back as fast as she could without being seen. Beckett hadn't noticed.

"Good to have things back to normal around here." Beckett commented.

"Yeah." Castle agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. That last chapter got weird. The reasoning was that time had passed, and escalation had turned them all into crazy people. Also, when this was first published, it was mid S4, and Team Caskett were still in their holding pattern.


End file.
